I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. What you’ve shared is heartbreaking, and at the same time it shows how strong and loving you are — for your baby, for your partner, and even for yourself. You’ve survived so much already. Writing all of this out, even to a stranger online, is a brave and healthy step.
Losing someone you’ve loved since you were a teenager, especially under these circumstances, is a kind of pain most people can’t even imagine. On top of that, you’re staying sober, showing up for your son, and navigating CPS. That’s not small — that’s enormous. It takes a lot of strength just to get up and keep going every day, and you’re doing it.
As for your son: you don’t have to have the perfect words right now. You don’t have to have the whole story figured out. When he’s older, what he will need most is to know that his dad loved him, and that his mom fought hard for him. That’s the truth, and it’s powerful. You can tell him in age-appropriate ways when the time comes, but for now, your job is simply to keep loving him and staying present.
If you don’t have people around who understand, you might consider looking for grief support groups or meetings specifically for people who’ve lost loved ones to addiction. Even online groups can help you feel less alone. Many methadone clinics also have counselors or social workers who can connect you with resources for bereavement and parenting support. Talking to someone who has walked a similar path can take some of the weight off your chest.
You are not broken, and you’re not alone — even if it feels like it. The fact that you’re still sober, still reaching out, still thinking about how to give your son a better life, says so much about the kind of mother you are becoming. You’re already showing him what resilience looks like.
Credit: Isabella Oliveira