The “Middle Wife” – As Told by a Second Grader
I’ve been a teacher for about fifteen years now. I have two kids of my own, but hands down, the best birth story I’ve ever heard came from a second grader in my own classroom.
Like most teachers, I do show-and-tell with my students. It’s a great way to build confidence, get them talking, and honestly, it’s usually pretty mild — pet turtles, favorite toys, photos of fish caught over the weekend, that sort of thing. I never set limits. If a student wants to bring something in and talk about it, they’re welcome to.
And then came Erica.
Erica was a bright, lively, totally unfiltered little girl. On her show-and-tell day, she marched proudly to the front of the class… with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
The other kids were instantly hooked.
Holding up a photo of a newborn, she began:
“This is Luke, my baby brother. I’m gonna tell you about his birthday.”
I’m already trying not to laugh.
“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love. Then Dad put a seed in my mom’s stomach, and Luke started growing in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”
I had to bite my lip. The kids were riveted.
She kept one hand on her “pregnant” belly, completely committed to the performance.
“Then, about two Saturdays ago, Mom starts going, ‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’”
Erica bent over and started waddling around, groaning dramatically.
“She walked all over the house like this, ‘Oh! Oh!’”
(At this point, she’s doing a duck walk. It’s pure theater.)
“Then Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies. She doesn’t have a sign on her car or anything, like the Domino’s guy.”
I’m dying.
“So the middle wife came and had Mom lie down like this—”
(She slides down the wall, feet outstretched.)
“Then, POP! My mom had this water balloon in there in case he got thirsty, and it just exploded everywhere! Like pshhhhhhew!”
(She throws her arms out and mimes a dramatic splash.)
“Then the middle wife said, ‘Push! Push!’ and ‘Breathe! Breathe!’ They started counting, but never even got past ten before — BAM! — out comes Luke! He was covered in all this yucky stuff. They said it came from Mom’s play center, so I guess there’s toys in there.”
By now, the class is wide-eyed, jaws dropped, completely absorbed.
“Then the middle wife spanked him, probably for crawling up in there in the first place!”
And with that, Erica took a big, sweeping bow and returned to her seat.
I applauded louder than anyone.
From that day on, I never show up to Show-and-Tell without my camcorder.
Because you never know when another Middle Wife might make her debut.
